waiting for someday

Convicting

2009-01-23T08:38:00.001-07:00

There is a phrase in Latin that summarizes the idea that the way our minds and souls are oriented is the way our lives are oriented. Lex orandi, lex credendi, lex vivendi is an axiom of ancient Christianity, meaning, the rule of worship is the rule of belief is the rule of life. That is, the way we are oriented in worship (whatever it might be that we focus on most devotedly) orients the way we believe and the way we live. In a cultural ecosystem where we seem to worship choices and possibilities, where the virtue of good multi-tasking has replaced the virtue of singleness of heart, it is understandable that we are both truly and metaphorically “all over the place”--mentally, spiritually, even bodily, in a state of perpetual possibility-seeking.

[...]

As we worship, so we will live.

Jill Carattini, A Slice of Infinity, 23 January 2009

The Story

2008-10-18T15:29:00.004-06:00

Yes, it is true. The Becky is engaged. Here are some more proper pictures!

So, the story. It was after a classic evening involving tasty pizza and an excellent Colorado microbrew and we were chilling at my place after dinner, as I had no mental energy to be working on my thesis. Given the rare-for-this-season-of-life evening off, Adam decided to seize the day and pop the question, producing a very shiny ring from his wallet, which had been in residence there for approximately two weeks. I was surprised, as I expected the question would probably come before Christmas, but not before my thesis was completed. But regardless, I gave my hearty answer of yes! (This is the part for *awwww*ing...)

That's about it! So, I now plunge into the next 3 weeks, all the more eager for the thesis to be done and behind me! I'll be one super happy girl on November 11, though really, I'm a super happy girl right now. I just can't believe how the Lord has provided for me. I am so blessed.

Explanations

2008-10-16T23:32:00.005-06:00

Back in the beginning... Zippy, what have you done?? :)

So now the world knows part of why I haven't been blogging for the last year. :)

Eye of the Beholder?

2008-09-29T00:34:00.000-06:00

Prologue: I started this post back in JANUARY. Yes, more than 9 months ago. Not one to deviate from typical becky trends, I then got so busy that I haven't revisited it until now. So, I'm finishing it up now (as much as one can say that it is finished). Hopefully it will be reasonably worthwhile for those who choose to read it!

[ time warp back to January ]

Ahhh. Hear that? It's the sound of a quiet evening. I'm home from work and class, plopped quite contently on my couch, with no sound in the air say the clicking of my keyboard as I type and the bubbling of the fish tank.

The most wonderful thing about having some time off around Christmas time was that I do a much better job of guarding quiet time to hear myself think, and most importantly, to hear the Lord speak. It was so refreshing. But those times in life go only one way, ultimately: quickly. Just like that, and I'm three weeks into another semester. Nuts, I tell you!

As I mentioned some time ago, I have been thinking off-and-on over the last 6 months or so about the concept and issue of defining beauty in our culture. It's interesting, really, and often downright ridiculous. Here are some of my pseudo-random observations. Some of them run the risk of being gross stereotypes, so bear with me... hopefully my words will come to a clear convergence by the end of this post!

First, a look at the facts. Back in 2003, The Economist ran a story that gave the following figures:

The global beauty industry—consisting of skin care worth $24 billion; make-up, $18 billion; $38 billion of hair-care products; and $15 billion of perfumes—is growing at up to 7% a year, more than twice the rate of the developed world's GDP.
Beauty firms spend just 2-3% of their sales on research & development, while 20-25% goes to advertising and promotion.
The number of cosmetic procedures (plastic surgeries) have increased in America by over 220% from 1997. The number of teenage breast implants and liposuctions rose by 562% between 1994 and 2001.

Beyond the beauty industry, other statistics related to media and advertising confirm the absurdity. For instance: the average American woman is 5’4" tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5’11" tall and weighs 117 pounds. Tell me again why we should be shocked over the rampancy of eating disorders?

Interesting, eh? Honestly, I wish those figures surprised me. Instead, I tend to read them with a "no-duh" kind of attitude-- I mean, seriously, it's obvious that our culture is completely obsessed with physical appearance and attractiveness. And it's not just our culture. It's always been this way. Why? Women (in particular... I can't speak first-hand for the guys) will always be prone to obsess over their appearance. It's simply a fact of life. Societal pressures set aside, the way women are wired puts us in a place where we are all too mindful of perceived flaws in ourselves--a frame of mind that is always processing, comparing, and contrasting everyone and every image we see with our own appearance. Combined with cultural pressures, expectations, marketing, Hollywood, digital editing, and now even CG models designed to be "perfect" (whatever that means...), you have a fool-proof recipe for obsession at its finest.

The point of this post is not necessarily to establish that beauty is completely misidentified and misunderstood in secular human culture. I think that more or less goes without saying. Why else would companies like Dove be running entire campaigns that emphasize the ridiculousness of it all? What I've really found intriguing lately is an examination of how the Christian subculture attempts to address this obvious problem. In some ways, it's on the right track. In other ways, it has managed to undermine its message by mixing verbal opposition to the secular view of beauty with actions that indicate that we actually think no differently. One need not look further than the Christian Music Industry to realize that keeping up with trends and appearances is pretty thoroughly integrated into the Christian subculture. Last year, Nichole Nordeman wrote an article that gave honest thought and reflection on the tension between image and authenticity in the music industry. It's definitely worth a read-- it's a clear illustration of the conflict that I think we see spread throughout the Christian subculture. I really believe that the tension stems from the fact that, as believers, we know that there is a lot more to beauty and value and worth-fullness than meets the eye. And we're even pretty comfortable defining the "lot more" part. However, our understanding fails when it comes to knowing what we ought to do to handle the question of image and physical beauty. So, we tend to react either by downplaying beauty until it is completely devalued, or we leave the issue largely untouched, drifting along with the rest of culture, buying into its definitions and fads and obsessions... simply because we haven't bothered to redefine it.

[ time warp to the present... ]

So how is one to define an appropriate appreciation/response to physical beauty? It's a tough question-- one for which I can't pretend to have a thorough answer. Scripture doesn't really speak to this specific issue directly, other than clearly stating that physical beauty is not the end all-- in fact, it is an utter waste if it is not accompanied by a godly heart. That said, most of what I'm offering below falls in the category of Becky speculation/ponderings. So take it with a salt lick!

In my (hardly) extensive days wandering about on the surface of the planet, I have noticed one primary thing with regards to beauty. The most beautiful women that I know are women who are simply comfortable with who they are. A lot of things contribute to this comfort and confidence in their lives-- loving friends/families and a thriving relationship with Christ are generally consistent factors. This confidence surfaces in the way they carry themselves, the way they dress, the way they interact with people, and the way they handle adversity. An obvious observation maybe? Maybe. But I think what has surprised me most about this observation is exactly what it does NOT entail. It is not that these women do not care about their physical appearance-- in fact, many of them take care to present themselves at their personal best. But, while they care about their appearance, it is very clear that their appearance is not fundamental in the way they perceive themselves. And, ironically (and awesomely!), they are more beautiful because of that. I'm sure most of you have heard the cliche, "No woman is more beautiful than the woman who knows she is loved." That cliche definitely describes part of the phenomenon that I'm describing.

So, as a brief recap, we live in a secular culture who errs toward the extreme of obsession with physical beauty, and we live in a Christian culture who errs either with secular culture or in such extreme reaction to it that physical beauty becomes undervalued. I can't help but think that neither of these extremes is what the Lord had in mind when he created us (and so much of His world) to be beautiful. The fact remains that our God is beauty. And as creatures made in His image, it clearly follows that there is a human beauty that should be cherished-- appropriately. I'm still trying to find words to define exactly what that looks like. But as starters, I believe it entails learning how to celebrate God's image in each one of us in the holistic sense. I believe it involves killing gross stereotypes related to appearance (skeletal = beautiful) and in some ways, pursuing a more accurate definition of modesty (modesty != burlap sack). I believe it requires surrender and honest prayer to seek after God's perspective, to see and cherish and celebrate beauty as He does. I know... these are definitely not closed form solutions to the problem, but I've personally found them loaded with food for thought.

No Kidding

2008-08-17T22:38:00.004-06:00

This weekend, I was driving in the mountains with my brother. On east bound I-70, there was a snow plow in use. Yup. Snow in August. Excitement!

I have a wide-spread apology to offer to the people who read this blog who have tried to email me in the last 6 weeks. My inboxes have officially exploded. Sitting with literally hundreds of unread emails, I am reluctant to offer any idea of when I might actually get to your email. So, if you have emailed me and I have not responded, please do not take it personally. I'll either get to your email someday, or if you'd like to talk sooner than that is happening, give me a phone call. I realize that this is pretty lame... but I'm afraid that it's reality.

The summer flew by. And I haven't even climbed a 14er yet! Sadness. Assuming that I don't kill myself trying (I am majorly out of shape), that should get remedied next weekend. We'll see what happens.

Refuge

2008-07-27T23:14:00.002-06:00

Ahhh. I want to go back...

On Iterative Matrix Inversion Approaches to the Derivation of a Family of Robust ICA Algorithms

2008-07-14T22:11:00.005-06:00

Yeah.

$4.00/gal

2008-05-30T13:29:00.006-06:00

Yaay for hilarious ideas!

randn

2008-05-16T11:57:00.003-06:00

I'm DONE! Yes. This is a good thing. No more tests for me... EVER! Just papers. Happiness. Thanks to all of you who have prayed for me a supported me. I can't say how much I appreciate you.

So far, the quote of the weekend: "Your job sounds a lot like purgatory. If the box works, you move up a level." -- My brilliant sister

Haha! I can't really say she's wrong...

- becky out -

6 More Days...

2008-05-08T20:13:00.000-06:00

... huzzah.

*back to studying*

Understanding

2008-04-08T22:28:00.003-06:00

Ahh, life. It's so weird sometimes. I had a good long conversation with a dear friend last night, and I think I've come to a couple of conclusions as a result of that conversation:

I haven't quite figured out the whole "responsible adult" nonsense.
Feeling overwhelmed makes you do stupid things.
I really fight to trust God completely with people/things that I care greatly about.
I don't know why, oh why, I let my focus wander from the only One who keeps life in perspective, who is my only hope to overcome the inadequacies thoroughly demonstrated in points 1-3.

In general, today was a bit better. But even now, I'm fighting to trust. God, I know I'm free in You, by the power of Your Spirit, to trust You, to rely on You, to find my strength in You, to be restored by You. Help me to walk in that freedom.

Someday, I'll see clearly and I'll understand. Someday, my mind and heart won't be so prone to wander. Someday, I'll throw myself into my Savior's arms and burst into tears of joy, knowing that this battle is over and I am finally home.

Blessings in Disguise

2008-03-13T18:29:00.003-06:00

It's a beautiful evening outside. The air is still, the sun is sinking, and all afternoon, I've been zoning in and out of consciousness enough to notice the birds singing outside. Spring is here! Wait... all afternoon I say? Yes. On a Thursday? Yes. See, I have this pattern of pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, only to find that my body decides to revolt and send me home to bed, one way or another. This time, it was a migraine that 4 Excedrin would not begin to touch. Blah. But the blessing in it all? I was able to come home from work, pour myself into bed, and sleep for 4 hours straight in the middle of the day. I still have a dull headache, so the sleep didn't completely fix that problem, but it did wonders for me on so many other levels. Even in literally painful circumstances, the Lord is good.

Someday, I'll figure this whole rest thing out such that I don't have to make myself sick to get it. But until then... I'm strangely thankful for today's headache.

In other news, the quest for thesis topics has begun. The only definition of topic that I have thus far is that I want to do something related to optimal hardware implementations of a specific type of algorithm, preferably with applications in signal processing. A coworker suggested today that I investigate the pertinence of neural networks to specific processing tasks, and develop a compact, extensible implementation pattern for them, probably targeted toward Xilinx FPGAs. Now, I know that a lot of you that read this are more savvy in these areas than myself, and would welcome cool ideas that you may have. I theoretically need to settle a topic sometime next month, so that I can get independent study and thesis credits arranged for summer. Please comment if you have any ideas at all... but especially if they are cool ones. :) Thanks!

Boo!

2008-03-10T22:20:00.003-06:00

AAH! I think I scared myself. Sorry for the long silence, life has been... full. And that's an understatement :).

I have had the excellent privilege of spending the last 8 weekends running with friends. 6 of those involved out-of-towners crashing in the condo, and 2 of those were church/youth retreats. It has been good in so many ways, and so very challenging to keep the rest of life rolling in the mean time! I actually have a class that is more or less owning me at the moment, which is not good. But the other class that I was afraid would own me is getting owned... so I suppose that's just a bit of typical academic irony for you there.

I am in a study with a few other young women from my church, and it has been a huge blessing to me lately. We're going through a very challenging book, and through reading and discussion, I have been made almost painfully aware of how thoroughly my walk has been turned to duty without passion... which more resembles drudgery than anything else. I'm caught in my typical Becky cycle of trying to perform to make life seem worthwhile. Which is silly. Anyone want to wager as guess as to why I'm borderline failing a class at the moment? I think I might know why... :)

So, that said, I'm on a quest. A quest to simply immerse myself in the glorious and profound truth of the gospel. Not a quest to merely analyze it... but a quest to once again find myself enfolded in it. To think it, breathe it, sing it, and live it. It's high time that I remember what it is to live free, while at the same time grappling with the reality of the sin that still insidiously stirs up havoc in my heart and mind that overflows in word and deed. In all of this, my God is still the God that is mighty to save. I look with eager anticipation for traces of His hand in the days and weeks to come.

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory. Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision. Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley.
-- The Valley of Vision, a Puritan Prayer

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

The snow is falling softly and steadily, coating the branches of my evergreen with the most beautiful blanket of white. It's picture perfect! Jonathan, my brother, is launching my rocket pen across the room and catching it each time (amazing skill, I tell you), threatening to shoot it at Katie if she doesn't cooperate. The breakfast dishes are done, and presents are about to be tackled. It's funny really-- when we were young, Christmas morning was a time to bound out of bed and open presents immediately. Now, we all prefer to sleep until 10, eat the breakfast feast by noon, open presents, and then handle dinner later. Hooray for sleep and vacation and times with family.

But above all, what an amazing event we celebrate today: the God of the entire universe entered into our world, disturbing the natural order established by our corruption, to forever re-route the course of human history. He is Immanuel-- the God With Us-- the God who Saves! Jesus, be honored in our hearts today.

Whiteness

2007-12-24T01:09:00.000-07:00

Well folks, it's Christmas time! It's excellent-- my family is here, and I've been loading up on time spent with family and friends. I am very blessed.

And, as a nice bonus for my dear sister, it looks like Christmas will be white. :)

Four

2007-12-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

'Tis the number of days until freedom! For a little while, anyway. Yaay.

I've been thinking about a lot of random stuff lately, not the least of which is our culture's perception of beauty (and how horribly twisted it is) and how really, everything offered by the Christian subculture really isn't that different as an alternative. Perhaps I'll write more about that sometime. Perhaps I won't... ask me if you want to hear my thoughts. But even though I've had a few thoughts of interest, in general, I'm tired of feeling shallow and thin. I spent a significant chunk of time praying earlier this week, and it was excellent. I hadn't stopped to center my heart and mind in silence like that for quite some time. I really need to make that happen more often.

Sometimes I think I talk too much and listen too little. Hmm. Maybe that's part of the reason I can feel so shallow... saying a lot about nothing, really.

I think I need to get some sleep, bringing an end to this little stream of consciousness dump. I hope to give you, my fine readership, a more coherent post sometime soon!

Grace

2007-11-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

Therefore say to the house of Israel, Thus says the Lord God: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations to which you came. And I will vindicate the holiness of My great name... And the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Lord God, when through you I vindicate my holiness before their eyes. I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God. And I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. And I will summon the grain and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you. I will make the fruit of the tree and the increase of the field abundant, that you may never again suffer the disgrace of famine among the nations. Then you will remember your evil ways, and your deeds that were not good, and you will loathe yourselves for your iniquities and your abominations. It is not for your sake that I will act, declares the Lord God; let that be known to you. Be ashamed and confounded for your ways, O house of Israel (Ezekiel 36:22-32).

What a tremendously hard-to-swallow, yet beautiful picture of grace! The work God does in my life is so completely undeserved. I should be ashamed and confounded for my ways, for they are so often profane. But as surely as God will defend and preserve His own name, He will continue to work in the hearts of His children to drive out the profane and establish the holy-- inside of us. Oh, how I am undeserving! And oh, how I am grateful that the wretched woman that I was (and too often still am) is ultimately delivered from herself. God, I am so thankful. Thank you for Your grace.

Howdy

2007-11-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been nearly a month since I've popped my head up around here. Sorry about that! Things have been, well, busy. But what else is new? :)

I returned this evening from class, realizing that I only have 2 more Thursday night classes to sit through. Excellence! And one of those evenings (2 weeks from tonight, actually) will bring the presentation of my final semester project, and then I'm pretty much done. With that class. I still have 3 more DSPs to get through and a final to take. Then the semester is done. Tomorrow brings one of the last few big pushes to kick final projects out the door. Yaay! The end is just around the corner, folks.

And for that, I'm glad. I'm quite excited to get a solid 4 weeks in with friends and family this winter break. There are so many people that I want to spend more time with and get to know better. I'm also quite excited to snowboard. Yes, yes. Quite excited. Of course, the winter has been so warm thus far that the snow base is close to nonexistent so far. But, hopefully in another month...

For now, though, I'm calling it an evening and heading to bed early for once! Huzzah!

Freedom

2007-10-19T23:22:00.000-06:00

It's the fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high

So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

Thank You, Jesus,
Even when you see us just as we are
Fragile, frail and so far from who we want to be
So thank You, Jesus,
Even when the pieces are broken and spread
Dreams shatter, scatter like the wind
Thank You even then
-Nichole Nordeman

I'm so tired of the impossibly high bars that I seem to find around every corner of life. But I'm starting to learn that it doesn't matter. I can look at them, laugh at them, and just skip right under them if I want to. Performing is so way overrated! So, my resolution: care less, laugh more, and call a reasonable effort good enough.

With that, I'm going to walk to the kitchen table, close my DSP books, and call my midterm studies complete. What I know will just have to be good enough.

Jesus, thank You that I don't have to strain for You.

Psalm 61

2007-10-16T23:23:00.000-06:00

Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy.
I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.

For You, O God, have heard my vows;
You have given me the heritage of those who fear Your name.
You will prolong the king’s life,
His years as many generations.
He shall abide before God forever.
Oh, prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve him!

So I will sing praise to Your name forever,
That I may daily perform my vows.

I'm not sure that life will ever cease to be a tad overwhelming. Or just plain overwhelming, even. But, I know with confidence that I am His and He is mine. Despite my complete lack of merit, He has given me the heritage of His Son. He is my Rock always, especially when the circumstances of life are a whirlwind.

He is unshakable Peace in my storm. God, give me the grace to glorify You in the midst of it.

Brain Dead

2007-10-10T21:45:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, the only way to get your brain back is to spend time playing with something like this. Hehehehe...

Okay. Seriously. More homework. Now.

The end.

Psalm 28:6-9

2007-10-08T23:05:00.000-06:00

Blessed be the LORD!
For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
and with my song I give thanks to him.

The LORD is the strength of his people;
he is the saving refuge of his anointed.
Oh, save your people and bless your heritage!
Be their shepherd and carry them forever.

God continually blesses me in ways that are far, and I do mean far, beyond what I deserve. I can't even begin to inadequately describe it (not to mention adequately!). What kind of God continually stoops down to my level to lift me up when I fall, and to bless me when I am undeserving? A very awesome one, methinks. It's something far beyond what I'll ever get my mind to wrap around.

I am really excited to see what God is up to in my life right now. I really have no clue of what to expect, but something is brewing. And I think, believe it or not, it may just be even better than coffee :). Hehehe...

Thank you, Father, for your infinite patience and grace. Give me strength of heart to continually trust in You as You guide my steps. You have blessed me greatly-- please make me a blessing to others.

History

2007-10-04T00:21:00.000-06:00

Wow... have you ever gone back and read through things you've written in the past (like journals and old blog posts), only to be somewhat amazed at the wild ride of a journey that the last handful of years have been? I got caught up reading a few old posts tonight, and I was downright humbled and convicted by things that I wrote years ago. The past has certainly not been all golden, but there were very clear times when I really knew, deep in the heart of me, the peace and joy of the Lord. I'd like to find myself in that place again.

I sure am glad that God is patient and that I'm not ultimately in charge of charting out my journey... I wouldn't have a clue!

I really should be sleeping...

whew

2007-09-24T20:29:00.001-06:00

Well, folks, there is no other way to say this: I have been a royal slacker with the blog. And for that, I am truly sorry! I have missed using this forum as a bit of a mental scratch pad... a place for me to peck out my thoughts and push them around until they are coherent enough to post. In doing that, of course, I'm forced to make sense of the thoughts that bounce around in my brain all the time. And by all the time, I do mean all the time. I think my brain is hyper-threaded.

I'm now deep into another semester of school, though it feels like I'm just settling into it. I managed to miss 2 of the first 3 weeks in a combination of business and personal travel, so finding my new routine was a bit of a challenge. But, 2 weeks after finally returning home to stay for a while, I'm caught up and things are rolling fairly smoothly. As a matter of general disinterest, the courses for the semester are DSP and Systems Engineering Special Topics. Excitement! DSP has been way cool so far, and I'm looking forward to building my knowledge of that subject area, seeing as it is my emphasis in my M.S. program.

My friend Bethany is staying with me for the next few weeks while she works a physical therapy clinical rotation that is in the area. It is absolutely fantastic to have her around! I haven't lived with anyone for more than 2 years now, so it's kind of fun to have someone to share life with. Though, with our hectic schedules, we often make it home and turn into zombies during dinner, then manage to somehow, some way kick back into gear to tackle evening studies. I think the tradition of tea/coffee every evening helps with that just a bit!

Yesterday, the sermon at church was a series of thoughts expounding on one of the principles that Jesus gave in the Sermon on the Mount: you cannot serve both God and money. This is so well known that it has earned the status of permanent Christian cliche, which is really a shame. Of course, the real point is to say that human beings cannot, by nature, have equally divided interests. One thing ALWAYS out prioritizes the other. Being the nerd that I am, I kind of equate it to the VxWorks priority scheduler: priority is it. Period. And even if tasks attempt to share the same highest priority, one has to yield to allow the other one to run (unless of course, you force a round-robin. But I'm not going into that right now...). That's a lot how I work, really. And to make things extra tricky, I have a habit of elevating very time-consuming things to very high priorities in my life. One of the challenge points in the sermon was to honestly evaluate whether your relationship with God was really the most valuable thing in your life by looking at how you allocate time, money, resources, energy, etc. It's really not that stunning of a question or concept. Except for the fact that it inevitably points to a disappointing and irritating conclusion in my life: I allow various other large endeavors in my life (work, school, etc.) to eat up so much of my time, energy, and resources that my relationship with the Lord starts seeing the equivalent of process starvation. I may pay it lip service, and I may genuinely find shreds of time here and there, but it certainly isn't in the dominant position of preemptive priority! This makes me sad. I really don't like it. And unlike the rich young ruler that approached Jesus, I am determined NOT to simply walk away sad... I want this problem fixed.

So... one of the many questions that I must prayerfully ponder is one of the most classic challenges faced by human beings: priorities. I suppose that this is nothing shocking, knowing my propensities. But I hope to approach it this time with renewed conviction... a conviction that places my entire being at the mercy of His grace to change me. Apart from His grace, I'll never make it out of this black hole. Never.

And once again, I have come full circle to the place where Psalm 62 describes my full determination:

My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.
Psalm 62:5-7

Isaiah 26:11-13

2007-09-22T16:27:00.000-06:00

O LORD, Your hand is lifted up,
but they do not see it.
Let them see Your zeal for your people, and be ashamed.
Let the fire for Your adversaries consume them.
O LORD, You will ordain peace for us,
for You have indeed done for us all our works.
O LORD our God,
other lords besides You have ruled over us,
but Your name alone we bring to remembrance.

Amen to that.

Cliff

2007-09-10T23:02:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah. :)

A Yummy Idea

2007-08-29T20:07:00.000-06:00

For an easy, very tasty dinner:

Cook some pasta (I used Penne) in a pot. In a small skillet, heat up some frozen chicken strips (cooked) and some pesto (a jar costs $1.84 at Wal-Mart). Pour the sauce over the noodles. Huzzah for easy dinners! :)

In other news, I bought trekking poles and a knee brace today, all in the hopes that I won't destroy my knee while I'm on the trail for 5 days next week. I'm excited! Wee...

God is faithful. It never ceases to amaze me that, when you take one step toward Him, He somehow closes the remaining 3,000 miles. Or more.

How marvelous, how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be
How marvelous, how wonderful
Is my Savior's love for me!

Coming Home

2007-08-27T18:39:00.000-06:00

"But when he came to himself, he said, 'How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants."' And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.
--Luke 15:17-20

It is a bittersweet thing indeed to "come to myself," or, as another translation puts it, "come to my senses," and realize how incredibly enormous my capacity is to skew, distort, and otherwise mangle my character when I try to instigate change on my own. Today, I am exhausted, worn down, and broken. And I am humbled beyond words that my Father only waits for the first footstep to fall in a homeward direction before He rushes out to meet me, binding up the mess I've made, and takes me home.

Someday, I will really learn my lesson and leave my self-reliant efforts toward satisfaction behind for the final time. I hope and pray for the grace to make that someday come about today.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
--Psalm 103:2-5

Feels Like Home

2007-08-10T20:36:00.000-06:00

More to come later...

:)

2007-08-06T21:19:00.001-06:00

Tonight, I watched the sky turn lovely colors as the sun sank behind the foothills. And to boot, I was talking with my even lovelier friend Kendra... for nearly an hour and a half! Hooray for wonderful evenings. I am blessed indeed.

A Trek to be Remembered

2007-08-02T18:09:00.002-06:00

This trek was quite the adventure. I'll offer brief commentary with the photos, but I'm absolutely certain that neither words nor pictures can fully portray the magnitude of this experience! Wow. That sounded like a poor attempt at waxing eloquent or something. Oh well. On to the good stuff. :)

Our story begins last weekend, when Aduma was in town. We had grand plans of playing in the mountains by scurrying up the side of Mount Elbert. About a mile or so up the trail, the trail disappeared. Now, considering that both Aduma and myself are rather strong-willed when we set our minds to doing something, we did the only rational thing we could think of in the situation: we turned our climb upward. Straight upward, in fact. Later, this proved to be quite a crazy decision indeed... but, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Aduma chilling out on the low ridge. We hiked straight up out of those trees at the bottom.

The lovely valley west of Mount Massive

This was the non-path ahead of us. Our targeted landmark was the peak in the upper left-hand corner.

Finally, after a very long and tiring climb (which involved quite a lot of boulder scrambling on all four limbs!), we reached the top of the ridge that you can see in the center of the picture above. This is what the view looked like behind us and to the left of us, respectively:

Yup. The clouds were rolling in rapidly! About a half mile later, we finally found the trail, as well as a couple of other disoriented hikers who were going in the wrong direction. With a bit more effort, and a lot of wishing that we had eaten more than oatmeal and granola bars for breakfast, we pressed onward and finally summited the shoulder of Mount Elbert (S. Elbert, ~14.1k feet).

At this point, we were rather exhausted, hungry, and cold, and the weather was starting to look a bit nasty. So, we made the extremely difficult and disappointing decision to start our return journey, hoping that the clouds would stay thin enough for us to have any hope of finding the trail on the way down. As it turned out, it was a really good thing that we left when we did. We did not, in fact, find the trail on the way down, and ended up scrambling down the west slope of the 13k foot peak that we had scrambled up on the east side. This was, to put it mildly, quite difficult. I'm so thankful that God showed us grace in holding back the rain and in keeping our feet, for the most part, firmly gripping the steep, slippery ground! And, seriously-- we had just about the most amazing scenery EVER to look at as we descended... we traversed down the slope on the far left-hand side of the panorama below.

Mountain Extravaganza! I mean, Panorama!

And with that, I will conclude my highly-inadequate summary of our adventure on Mount Elbert! Good times were had by all... especially once our stomachs were way full of juicy hamburgers. :)

Paint Picture, by Popular Demand

2007-07-26T15:43:00.000-06:00

So, I have been informed MULTIPLE times in the last few days that I have not yet posted pictures of the finished paint job in my house, specifically in the red room. So, here you go. Be happy! : )

Weekend

2007-07-23T21:52:00.001-06:00

The Ending

2007-07-11T23:42:00.000-06:00

Tonight had a lovely ending after a semi-nasty day. I've been super tired at work all week, and today turned into one of those days when I did pretty much nothing that I needed to do and ended up talking with people all day long... which is fine, I suppose, but it's tough to be that continuously social at work when I'm tired. Right after work, however, things started improving. I went on a hike with 2 women from my church, and they did most of the talking. I just enjoyed a lovely cloudy evening and the trail, flowers, long grass, and even the rattlesnake. Yup. We definitely got rattled at. It was hilarious to watch reactions, mostly. I'm really not that jumpy about snakes. But some people are. And it was hilarious! We shared a lot of laughs there. After hiking, I went to Starbucks with my delightful friend Shelly. We've been wanting to get together for so long, and just hadn't made it happen. Tonight, we decided that needed to change. And we have a plan. *duh, duh, DUHN!* I'm excited.

Hiking. Followed by coffee with a friend. That's a nice evening for ye.

The Wonder of Fingernails

2007-07-10T18:25:00.000-06:00

Ahh, what a last week it has been! Just 7 days ago, I was picking up Aduma at the airport-- the first of 4 guests (Aduma, Zippy, Mom, and Kendra) that graciously traveled from far and wide just to help me paint my condo! What a blessed girl am I! :) So now, after 5 fun days with friends and the first 2 days of this work week, I'm finally sitting down to blog about my thoughts. But first, something completely different.

God made a really good decision when He decided to create fingernails. I mean it-- a REALLY good decision. What other substance is flexible enough to not scratch delicate surfaces yet strong enough to scrape just about anything off? I honestly cannot think of a synthetic substance that is so fantastic. As I was working on the house last week, I can't even recall all of the different times that I suddenly exclaimed to my friends that I had found another wonderful use for them. See, about 2 years ago, I discovered (much to my surprise) that I actually have nice strong fingernails that can grow out and look nice if I refrain from tearing them off all of the time. I first realized how strong they were when they survived a day of ripping shingles off of a roof. They didn't break, and I wasn't even careful! Last week, I discovered all sorts of random things for which fingernails are extraordinarily well suited:

Caulking: ripping it out, pressing it in, scraping it off of surfaces when you put too much down (which I do all the time).
Pressing painter's tape into corners
Cleaning paint brushes
Scraping paint off of my floors, sinks, self, etc.
Scraping paint out from underneath my other fingernails
Picking little dry latex chunks out of wet paint when we reused roller pans that weren't quite clean enough
When they're long enough, they can be used as a mini straight edge. Especially while caulking.
Pulling nails out of walls
Cutting potato eyes out. Haha!
Peeling bananas and other fruit

And honestly, the list goes on. Way to go, God! That's what I call materials engineering.

I still have some stuff to hang up on walls and the like, and then I will post pictures of the finished paint jobs. For now, you just get to settle with these awesome pictures of the work crew, and the work in progress!

4th of July, downtown! Jon and Rebecca came with us, and we saw lots of lovely fireworks after yummy Mexican food.

Oi my. What a mess!

That's Aduma skillfully taping my wall.

Go Zippy! Cut in those edges!

Mom graciously kept us much more than adequately fed, and cleaned our dishes too! How sweet is that?

Goofing off, as usual. What a great way to start a wall!

Silly Becky. You paint the wall, not your leg.

First coat of paint in the bedroom. Yay red! :)

The guest room, pretty much done.

We took a walk on Sunday, and it was a lovely semi-stormy day. Perfect!

As you can undoubtedly tell, we had a great time. I'm so thankful for the blessing of being able to work with my hands, the blessing of fantastically wonderful friends, and the love of Christ that brings us together and gives us joy and makes us laugh. Yay. He is so good to me.

Home at Last

2007-07-01T22:28:00.000-06:00

So, as many of you have undoubtedly heard, there is some nasty flooding occurring in the central plains at the moment. Last night, I found myself at Mom's house with no way out: all roads leading away from the house were completely flooded. Fortunately, there was a window of time today after the rain water drained off a bit and before they started draining some of the dams (which swamped the area again) and I was able to get to the airport to come home. Now, I am reclining on my very comfortable, very own bed for the first time in nearly 4 weeks! It's LOVELY! I'm excited to be home.

And, I'm excited that friends and family are headed to the house this week to help me paint! No more white walls for the becky! I'll post pictures when it's all said and done.

It's been quite a while...

2007-06-22T13:38:00.000-06:00

... but I'm not dead yet! I just haven't really had anything at all to say. Things have been a little bit hard lately, and I'm not sure why. I'm probably just tired. I've been on shift work again for the last week and a half, and this time the hours were significantly less Becky-friendly-- 4:30am to 5:30pm. Yuck. I'd really rather work the inverse of that. But oh well, at least it will feel like I'm sleeping in next week when I get up at 6:15 to go to the lake. I'm looking forward to that... seriously. I love early morning lake surface... it's like glass! Huzzah for Pine Cove with the family.

Now, I must unpack so that I can pack again. And try to not leave my house looking like a tornado went through it.

Let it Go

2007-06-10T12:55:00.001-06:00

I have come to a place in life where the importance of openly asking for forgiveness is clear to me-- especially in matters that will probably bring a laugh and a "why are you apologizing for that?" kind of response. I'm too performance oriented as it is, and when I feel like I've let someone else down, it just tears me up inside. Even if it's mostly for my own sake, it's time to swallow the pride and apologize for habitually not returning phone calls for weeks at a time and not keeping in touch with dear friends that I care about. It's time to apologize that I never quite got around to helping with the church website, and for all of the countless times that I've simply failed to respond to things that I've been approached about doing. I don't want people to think that I don't care about them or about their passion; nor can I beat myself up for failing to sieze every involvement opportunity presented in this life. I know this probably seems very silly to a lot of you, but seriously-- it's a struggle for me.

I need to swallow my pride and let things go.

Cell Phone Pictures

2007-06-04T23:10:00.000-06:00

I finally managed to pull pics from my cell phone the other day, and I figured I'd put a few up. Here's to great times with family, friends, and the outdoors in the last 6 months!

One of the many beautiful early spring skies that God spread out for me while I was waiting on the train for my class commute.

This was at about 6 am one morning when I was driving to work. I hate mornings, but that view made the morning just alright. :)

Zippy and I! Good times on our snowboards... and with each other. This was the day we rode out our first black.

This view is one of the many that sneak up and grab you when you're boarding... if you're not too absorbed staring at the ground whoosing by beneath you! It's breathtaking... This picture really doesn't do it justice.

This is one of my favorite pictures of my brother. And of Sarah for that matter. Aren't they both just amazing? I love how they're making the same face!!

That's about it for tonight. I really should have been in bed long ago, but I got thoroughly distracted when I started cleaning out the closet in the guest room. Seriously. The weirdest stuff distracts me.

Good night!

Praise

2007-05-30T23:37:00.000-06:00

Knowledge of God brims forth in us the overwhelming desire to praise Him, while his worthiness stirs within us a longing for all to join in. -- Jill Carattini, Slice of Infinity

I want my life to be a continual response of praise. Not because I feel it to be my duty, but because I find myself unable to avoid it. I want to know Him, to love Him, to serve Him, to know what it means to live for Him in the context of my job, relationships, school, and recreation. I want an undivided heart that fears His Name-- one that cannot help but bask in awe of who He is and beckon others to come, to see for themselves.

God, transform me. There are many steps to be taken if I am to live such a life-- steps that I don't know how to take. Change me, Father. Make me obviously Yours.

Sister

2007-05-26T20:03:00.000-06:00

Katie arrived here on Wednesday evening, after my crazy presentation day (which went well, by the way-- thanks to those who prayed for me!). Since then, we've been enjoying high-Q sisterly activities, such as hiking, eating good food and drinking good beverages, going to the zoo, watching movies, and soaking our feet. It has been splendiferous. I like her a lot :). Today, while waiting for a showing of Pirates 3, we heard a silly little lyric, and Katie had the brilliant idea of promptly texting it to my brothers. It went something like... "You're the reason for the teardrops on my guitar // You're the one that keeps me wishin' on a wishin' star." I'm not sure what to make of that. But I thought it was funny... I'm sure the brothers just thought that we're absurd! But that's okay. Anyone who knows Katie or I well knows that we're just goofballs like that.

So, with sunburnt shoulders, our fun times press on. I think coffee and maybe some hot brownies are on the agenda for the evening, as well as some quiet time for Bible study. And seriously-- hooray for that. I'm so thankful that I serve a God who stoops to meet with little me: a simple chunk of clay with more or less no inherently useful purpose whatsoever.

My soul waits silently for You, God. Come and meet with me. Come and set me free. Give me the grace of a still heart and mind and help me find that my expectation is truely You and You alone.

I'm throwing myself at You
And I'm holding on for dear life
Can I scream out of tune in this choir
God help me scream

What if I would stand still and get moved... by You
-Blindside, We Are To Follow (The Great Depression)

I Found It!

2007-05-24T12:02:00.000-06:00

Here. 4-5 days. Wilderness. Yay! :)

(Thanks, Scott!!)

Seven Days...

2007-05-22T22:16:00.000-06:00

<rambling>

Today, while I was syncing up my Outlook calendar (which is crazy too full) with my day planner, I realized that I only have 7 whole days that I spend in my cubicle, carrying out my normal responsibilities, between now and July 1. And only a week of that will be vacation. The rest of it will be shift work, travel, and more travel. But hooray for vacation in June! Pine Cove, here I come!

Tomorrow afternoon, I will present about 70 charts worth of analysis in front of a lot of people. I haven't practiced. Here's to flying by the seat of my pants! w00t! Am I irresponsible? Or just crazy? Or both? :)

In other news, I finally made it to the gym yesterday. I hope to make that more of a regular trend for the summer. It's kick the fat time, kids!

Who wants to go backpacking with me?

</rambling>

In Three Days...

2007-05-20T19:50:00.000-06:00

... I will spend a very long day presenting at a end-to-end system performance review at work. Then, I will drive as fast as I can to the airport to pick up my sister. And we will have crazy good times. Yaay!

In other news, it looks like I accidentally ordered regular Sumatra coffee in my last batch instead of decaf. Ooops. This could be a problem. :)

That is all.

Treat

2007-05-15T23:21:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I ate a whole tub......... of blackberries. Lovely, fresh, juicy blackberries. They were so good! I'm pretty sure that, when God was inventing blackberries, He thought to Himself, "Hmm. And just think! Someday, there will be this silly, crazy little girl named becky who won't be able to eat these without smiling." Yup. Or something close to that, anyway.

Decisions

2007-05-14T20:14:00.000-06:00

I have some really tough decisions to make, friends. And those decisions all pertain to the next step I'm supposed to take in my job. The rotational program is just about done and gone, and there is significant pressure on me to spread myself over several different areas to stick more fingers in the proverbial holes in the dike. I'm going to have to insist on only taking one job, though. I can't do everything all at once...

Anywho. It's going to be interesting. I'm thankful that there are plenty of opportunities. I just wish I could pick one confidently, knowing hands-down that I chose the one that will help me grow in my technical understanding. I also wish that I could pick one without letting a lot of people down.

Silly Aerospace. Could we please just hire the right people (number and skill mix) for once?

Okay, I'm done complaining now. It's a rainy evening... time for tea and some reading, then an early bedtime. Weeee.

Becky in Pictures

2007-05-08T22:53:00.000-06:00

Or something sort of close, anyway. I've seen this around several different places, and decided to do one of my own. Enjoy.

So sleepy. It's time for bed...

Depth

2007-04-25T23:02:00.000-06:00

The well of Providence is deep. It's the buckets we bring to it that are small.
-Mary Webb

As I've often stated on this blog, I often struggle with shallowness in my day-to-day life. In a book entitled Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster went so far as to call superficiality the "curse of our age." My entire soul resonates with that. I think the thing that amazes me most about shallowness is that it slowly takes over my life during times when I'm most self-conscious about things that ought to change. Talk about a frustrating cycle! With every moment of self-examination, the spiritual want-list lengthens; at the same time, the awareness that there is no way that I can scrape up the energy to even start chipping away at that list leaves an indelible mark of discouragement on my mind. That's a pretty miserable place to be: chasing depth, finding shallows. And the harder you chase, the shallower the shallows become.

See, I believe that there is an end to be served in my life. A good and glorious end where I become the person that I was created to be-- finally be transformed and purified and made clean in the Image of Christ Himself. I also believe that such an end for my life is entirely consistent with the will of God. Therefore, it certainly seems reasonable to throw myself in pursuit of such an end, putting forth everything that I possibly can (and throwing off everything that would hinder me) to get there. "Never be satisfied," I've often thought. "Always seek after that next step in your relationship with God." "Pursue Him passionately."

And so it is that the pattern of my life is set. I see shallows, I chase depth. I see flaws in my soul, I seek righteousness of heart and mind. I spend countless moments racking my brain for elusive solutions-- solutions that always add at least one more thing to my dreaded to-do list. In the mean time, felt needs sky-rocket in number and intensity as a flagrant display of the reality I know all too well: I cannot fix myself.

Felt needs don't go away when you ignore them, nor do they go away when you feed them. As human beings, we're fascinatingly good at coming up with quenchers for our felt needs. I know I sure am. In my heart of hearts, I know that nothing can satisfy my thirst for fulfillment and purpose and redemption other than God Himself. He is the I AM-- the all-sufficient and all-encompassing One-- Who simply IS what I need. He offers water to quench my ultimate thirst, living water that is to be in my life a spring that does not run dry (see John 4). But as Mary Webb said so well, my drawing bucket is awfully small.

Or maybe it's not only small. Maybe it's also already full. Full of my own efforts, my own attempts to change and/or find satisfaction. Perhaps in my efforts to satisfy my felt needs, I've ended up "quenching" my thirsts with the equivalent of spiritual caffeine. It sure did make me feel better in the short term, and sometimes, it even made me excited and energetic in my relationship with God. But in the long term, my bucket full of coffee has left me severely dehydrated, shallow, and exhausted.

By the grace of God, I now think I truly understand this one thing: I am not the means to my own end. God alone is. I can do nothing that will make me accomplish that end, but neither can I expect to get there if I merely exist in a state of spiritual passivity. What then-- is this merely a lose-lose situation?

I praise God that the answer is a resounding NO! He has blessed us with distinctive means by which we can open our hearts and minds and souls to be changed by His grace. And these means are the well-known spiritual disciplines: prayer, study, service, fasting, contemplation, solitude, worship, fellowship, etc. The catch is that I must understand and practice these disciplines for what they were meant to be: means of opening my heart and mind and soul to the work of God. It is by these things that I'm supposed to take my bucket-- a nice big, empty bucket-- to the well of God's grace, fill it, and drink in Who He simply IS.

God, teach me how to drink You in-- deeply. Let me not be distracted by the things I want to see change, no matter how noble those desires may be. Your face God-- Your face alone-- I will seek.

Comic

2007-04-22T23:10:00.000-06:00

I had a really good weekend. But I'll have to write about that later. For now, the next time you see an escalator... ; )

Theme

2007-04-15T22:39:00.000-06:00

What I give is insufficient but abundant in Your hands
My life that's insignificant finds meaning in Your plan
Feeling desperately inadequate You tell me that I can
In You
-- Jonny Diaz

God, please help me trust that those words are true.

Ahhh... Spring

2007-04-11T22:59:00.000-06:00

WEATHER ADVISORY:
A WINTER STORM WATCH REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM LATE THURSDAY NIGHT THROUGH FRIDAY AFTERNOON.

SNOW WILL EXPAND ACROSS THE PLAINS AND FRONT RANGE THURSDAY NIGHT. SNOWFALL ACCUMULATIONS OF 3 TO 6 INCHES ARE EXPECTED BY DAYBREAK FRIDAY WITH TOTAL SNOW ACCUMULATIONS OF 6 TO 12 INCHES POSSIBLE BEFORE THE SNOW DECREASES FRIDAY NIGHT. THE HEAVIER SNOWFALL TOTALS WILL OCCUR IN THE FRONT RANGE AND AREAS ADJACENT TO THE FOOTHILLS. THERE WILL BE AREAS OF BLOWING AND DRIFTING SNOW.

That's a CO Spring for you!

Sweet

2007-04-10T21:43:00.000-06:00

Fellowship is a sweet thing. I went to small group tonight, and it was an excellent time of being honest, vulnerable, and encouraged. God is so good to give us each other as family on our journey of faith-- it's so good to know that you're not alone.

Rise

2007-04-08T17:32:00.000-06:00

Throughout the week leading up to Easter, I have had more than a few opportunities to be frustrated with myself. This is a time of year when I want to desperately to connect with the Lord, to be left in awe with a heart full of genuine praise as I realize the gravity of what He has made possible. As I celebrate the resurrection of my Lord, I long to see hints of that same resurrection in myself.

But this year, I've been dry and frustrated. The bottom line is that there are many things in my own heart and mind that I still despise. I know the good I ought to do, but I don't do it-- the things that I do I hate. I resonate with that far too often for my liking. Further, I have the terrible tendency to wince, wrinkle my nose, and quickly turn my mind away from those things I hate. I want them to be gone. But ignoring them doesn't make them go away. I get so lost in myself-- is it really such a wonder that myself is all I can see? And is it so surprising that, left to myself, I am powerless to change myself?

It's a dreary set of thoughts. However, as I've stopped to think about it, there is something profoundly beautiful in the irony of my experience in the last weeks. My life could be the poster child illustrating the need for Christ to come, to die, and to rise again. He came because there is something broken within me that is worth hating. He came because there is nothing that I can do to fix it. He came because I cannot appreciate the Truth on my own. He came because I can never have it all together. He came because He knew I would long to be more than I am now. He came to make that possible. When Christ took on flesh and walked among us, He did so because He knew I needed Him to show up in a way that I could comprehend. He came and lived a life illustrating God's principles because He knew I needed an example. He has stooped to extreme measures to meet me where I am. Why do I not cry out to Him when I'm faced with the depths of myself? Instead of reacting in embarrassment and shame, why do I not surrender it all? Christ has asked me for my rags, seeing that they are all I have to offer. He knows I hate them, and knows that I want Him to make me new. Why am I so reluctant to let Him take them? Or even see them? Oh, that I may be free from the snare of mistaking self-beratement for justice. For the Child of God saved by the mercy of Christ, Justice is served when all things that tarnish his or her redeemed nature are utterly destroyed. This is one of the reasons that it is so important that Christ defeated death--the event that today commemorates.

Christ is risen, friends. Not only did He rise in His own body to show His authority and victory over death in general, but He rises up in His children, bringing the same newness of incorruptible life to our natures. Only this rising can change me and see Justice served my life. Perhaps if I were less busy trying to force a change of heart from the outside in and gave Him an opportunity to strip off my rags and destroy them, I would find that the new Becky that I so long to see is already formed underneath.

God, may the Life of Your Son bring beauty out of my ashes.

#365

2007-04-03T12:26:00.000-06:00

This is my 365th post on this blog... a whole year's worth of one-a-day thoughts (or anti-thoughts) from Becky. Scary. And this post is yet another blurb from the life of a girl who can't seem to slow herself down. In life, or on the slopes.

It's true-- this weekend, I took on my first black diamond on a snowboard! And the best part was that, as a last minute road trip, Zippy came out and joined me. She did it too! It rocked! I didn't fall at all! I was happy. Yup. Weeeeee.

God is so good to me. I'm about to go on night shift again, which has brought the perfect opportunity/excuse for the sleep marathon that I've needed so badly for the last couple months. I'm thankful that He can bring blessings out of nowhere!

Quote

2007-03-29T06:56:00.000-06:00

I have found only one religion that dares to go down with me into the depth of myself. --G.K. Chesterton

Hydrometeors

2007-03-26T21:39:00.000-06:00

I got to walk in the rain today. I also learned a cool new word at class. Huzzah!

Someday, I'll take the time to write a real post. I got to read a lot last weekend, and it was a blessing. But, until then...

May the hydrometeors fall soft upon your fields. :)

Taxes, Haircut, Flat Tire, IHOP

2007-03-16T23:58:00.000-06:00

It was a rather eventful evening! I now know how much the IRS owes me (ha!). I have hair that is significantly shorter than the bush-like structure atop my head that was way beyond critical mass. I am sporting a fashionable new donut tire on my trusty Accord (my real tire got introduced to an evil pothole). And finally, I spent the evening with way cool LU friends (and new LU-ers that I'd never met!) at IHOP... quality!

I'm kind of annoyed about the tire, since I have to work all day tomorrow. But, it's probably God's gracious way of saying "BECKY! Stop pushing the envelope! Your tires are OLD! Go get new ones... before you strand yourself on some interstate in the middle of nowhere." I mean really-- blowing a tire when you're less than a quarter mile away from home is definitely the way to blow a tire, if there ever was one! God is good to me.

On a humorous note, I discovered that aluminum wheels tend to stick to mounting bolts in a rather stubborn fashion. In past experience, I've had no problem yanking tires off of cars. But tonight, it was a different story. I tugged and pulled and lifted and whatnot, and all I ended up doing was pulling the car frame around enough to hear my washer fluid sloshing beneath the hood. So good ol' AAA came to the rescue. I think the guy was amused immensely by my predicament... there I was, a short-haired fairly blonde girl with really dirty hands, trying to yank a tire off. He walked up to my car, gave the wheel a swift kick, and it fell off. I felt very silly. (DISCLAIMER: the rest of this paragraph is rather nerdy-- read it at your own risk). It never even crossed my brain that I should take a short 'n' stout impulse approach instead of trying to muscle it off! It's all in the jerk man. Yup.

I have to work at 7 tomorrow. Yucky. Yucky^2 even.

'Night.

Another Week

2007-03-11T21:22:00.000-06:00

C'mon, summer! I want a vacation. A long one. On the trail. Spring break is next week.

It's all so close, but so far away...

I'm Excited!

2007-03-08T00:09:00.000-07:00

I found out today that a dear friend will be coming to stay with me next fall while she does a clinical in the area. Hooray! I can't wait!

I barely managed to get through my homework tonight.. I'm so tired! It's something else, I tell ya. And tomorrow--err... make that today-- it starts all over again. Sheesh.

-becky out-

The Most Amazing Sandwich Ever

2007-03-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

So, some of you have heard me talking about this sandwich that I've been eating lately. And, as you might gather from the title of this post, it's pretty amazing. I never realized how much I'm a fan of a sandwich make with toasted, seriously-multi-grain bread, piled high with lettuce, tomato, avocado, clover sprouts, turkey, and spicy mustard. It's definitely yummy.

Right now, I'm procrastinating doing my homework, which is really silly of me. Work hasn't lightened up yet; in fact, it's just getting harder. The rest of the week is going to be painful. When you are the reason that a project's critical path is being rescheduled, managers and directors of all sorts come out of the woodwork to "help." The problem is that one is then forced to spend so much time explaining things and building charts that progress becomes hard to come by. Unless you come in before they do and stay until way after they leave. That seems to be what we're resorting to these days. But, really. I'm done complaining. I can think of a lot of jobs that would be worse.

Okay. Off to do my homework and enjoy a cup o' Chai.

Road Trip

2007-03-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

Brianna's wedding was lovely. So was the long drive westward!

Praise the LORD!
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD!

Blessed be the name of the LORD
from this time forth and forevermore!
From the rising of the sun to its setting,
the name of the LORD is to be praised!
-Psalm 113:1-3

Trust

2007-02-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

I have realized in the last 24 hours that the root of much of my restlessness of late is simply that I don't actually trust God with several areas of life. I know, I know-- that's really not a very profound statement to read and comprehend as an idea. But it's a very profound statement when it cuts you to the quick and makes you realize just how fallen a heart can be.

Though He slay me, I will hope in Him;
yet I will argue my way to His face. -- Job 13:15, ESV

Oh, that God would forge the kind of faith into my heart that is more like Job's first statement and less like the latter.

whimper

2007-02-27T21:51:00.000-07:00

Why, oh WHY did the evil gremlin Murphy decide to have a one-time hay-day with the electrons and software state machines in my system? Stupid digital hardware. You can go through years of testing, and it's always the LAST test that blows up and then refuses to be reproduced. It's gonna be a long week at work.

Pulled

2007-02-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

What a weekend! It's been good, even though it's been a lot of work. For a very long time, I haven't really taken a full weekend to just get life organized on the home front. I didn't get 100% there this weekend, but I got a pretty good start on it all. The house feels clean ('cause it is), my filing cabinet is finally up-to-date with freshly labeled folders, and my laundry is washed and pressed. I can't remember the last weekend when I got all of those things accomplished... especially by Saturday night!

There is still a long way to go, though. I feel like I've been a terrible steward of my stuff lately. Really, if my life is so busy that I can't keep track of due dates (bills, doc. appointments, etc.) and keep my stuff clean and organized, I either need to become less busy or have less stuff to keep track of and clean. So, I'll be working on that over the next weeks.

How does so much in this life pull me in so many directions at once? I'm not complaining, mind you-- I did, after all, sign up quite voluntarily to add grad school and many play outings to my schedule. I'm just constantly amazed at the complexity of this life, and how poorly I usually handle it. God, teach me what I need to know be be an effective servant and responsible steward for You on this earth.

It's totally silent in the house, apart from the bubbling in the fish tank and the clicking of my fingers as they bang this collection of random thoughts out on my keyboard.

Quiet. Be still, becky. Know that He is God. Know that He is Good. Know that He knows your heart. Rest in Him alone.

Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
- Isaiah 40:30-31

So very cute

2007-02-19T17:47:00.000-07:00

I wonder if he does this all day while I'm at work. :)

Summer's Coming

2007-02-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

Today, the weather has been 50's and sunny. Which is amazing. The snow melted and left a puddle beneath my evergreen for a little while, and birds of all kinds were enjoying it! It all soaked into the ground now... but it sure was fun while it lasted!

What the water wants is hurricanes
And sailboats to ride on its back
What the water wants is sun kiss
And land to run into and back
--Sufjan Stevens

Ahh, summer time. It looks like I may get a break from school in the summer as well. Then there will be much more playing outside to get this glob-of-a-becky back in shape. Yikes.

But, until then, I have 4 more riding days to get in before the snow melts. *big smile*

Tyler

2007-02-17T11:51:00.000-07:00

This, my friends, is Tyler. Tyler is a very happy dog, and he makes me happy! He's feisty, but very well behaved, and can't decide if he's the macho big-dog type or a lap dog. I think he was mildly annoyed with me this morning for sleeping in so late... I noticed that he was sitting by my bed watching me sleep at about 7:30, and then again at 9, and 9:30-- all as if to say, "get up, you lazy bum! It's sunny, and we should play outside!" He was very excited when I finally rolled out of bed at 10!

There's nothing quite like having a dog around. I like 'em. Someday, I'll get one of my very own.

S.A.D. 2007

2007-02-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

This day can only end in tears... Happy... SAD!! Hahaha... Okay. So that was corny.

My mom sent me a box full of tasty chocolatey goodness. I just ate a peppermint patty that was delightfully frozen... straight out of the mailbox! I didn't even have to chuck it in the freezer! Wee.

It's snowing one of the most beautiful snows that I've seen all season. I was stopped at a stoplight on my commute back from the train, and lost myself in the perfect snow flakes that were landing softly on my windshield. They were PERFECT! It was so nice. It's one of those snows where the flakes are huge and there isn't any wind. Yup. What a lovely gift! God is good to me.

I will recount the steadfast love of the LORD,
the praises of the LORD,
according to all that the LORD has granted us,
and the great goodness to the house of Israel
that He has granted them according to his compassion,
according to the abundance of His steadfast love.
For He said, "Surely they are My people,
children who will not deal falsely."
And He became their Savior.
In all their affliction He was afflicted,
and the angel of His presence saved them;
in His love and in His pity He redeemed them;
He lifted them up and carried them all the days of old.
--Isaiah 63:7-9

So, with that, I shall finish my homework and call it a night, remembering the absolute love and goodness of my God.

Happy SAD 2007, everybody.

Something So Insightful...

2007-02-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

...that it begs to be shared. Or something.

Companies that promote morality and ethics in business usually have an easier time developing a cooperative culture than those that encourage unethical or immoral behavior. --My Project Management textbook

<sarcasm>I'm so glad that I have a text book to tell me these things! How would I ever know otherwise??</sarcasm>

Okay... I'm back to work...

2 Corinthians 5:14-15

2007-02-11T16:55:00.000-07:00

For the love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died; and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again.

I've often thought that I gave my life to Christ when I received His Salvation. Today, I'm certain that I gave my death to Him.

God, help me keep learning what it is to live.

Thought

2007-02-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

Beauty is something that God carves into us.

That thought popped into my head and out through my keyboard tonight as I was talking with one of my dear AWANA girls (now grown-up young lady!) from my college days.

I need to remember that.

Splurge

2007-02-09T17:42:00.000-07:00

Winter Clearance at the downtown REI warehouse.

For most of you, I could end my post with that single sentence, and much communication would have still taken place. Here's the mental picture: You know how most teenage boys are in the video game store in the mall? That's me at REI. It's pathetic. I spent 2 hours rummaging through a massive room full of super-clearance items (>50% off) at REI today, and came home with a load of goodness! New hiking boots, 2 pairs of pants, Chacos for her, Chacos for a brother, and a new backpack suitable for school and play. Waa hoo! Becky likes REI sales. I barely managed to refrain from walking out with a pair of snowshoes... I figured that I should rent a pair and try the activity before buying the equipment.

In other news, I get to dog sit next weekend! I'm so excited! Tyler and I will have delightful adventures together, I'm sure. I want to write a children's book about Tyler. Maybe I'll do that next weekend. : )

I want to go hiking. Now. But I can't... So instead, I'll prance around in my Chacos while cleaning my condo... Weee!

Conglomeration O' Lovely

2007-02-08T21:50:00.000-07:00

You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere You are is warmth and light

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still You have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can't be a light unless I turn my face to You
--Sara Groves

Thanks, China

2007-02-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

For a long time now, there has been plenty of space junk to make life difficult. Now, there is a heap load more. Whoever made that decision was either a) severely malicious or b) severely incompetent. Seriously.

This weekend was an absolutely wonderful time. I wish that it would have lasted longer! But at least my work week is half over. 20 hours of office time and 7 hours of class/homework time will pass between now and Thursday night. And then, I can sleep. For a very long time. Yaaaaay!

Pictures to come later...

I thunk a thought or two...

2007-01-31T22:36:00.000-07:00

... and it reminded me why I left behind the Business Administration program in undergrad. Yikes!

Back to project management homework I go...

That's Small

2007-01-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

I wonder just how much smaller we're going to be able to get?

Mmmm

2007-01-28T02:27:00.000-07:00

Fresh blueberries + fresh raspberries immersed in chocolate soy milk = happy taste buds. Yum.

The last shift is over! Huzzah! Now I get to work on rotating my body's schedule back to normal hours. Hum. This could be interesting.

Night Shift

2007-01-27T01:16:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while. I've been working weird shift hours lately (hey, someone has to-- it was my turn!), so I've been a bit off the radar screen in the land of the living-by-daylight crowd. I've actually adjusted to the night schedule just fine... it's Monday (when I switch back) that I'm worried about!

Random stream of Becky-consciousness: Classes are in full swing again. Speaking of again, it's supposed to snow tomorrow, though not very much accumulation is expected. I need to go to sleep soon to try to re-orient my body a little bit... even though I have one more shift to work tomorrow night. I'm not tired whatsoever. I can't wait to snowboard with my friends next weekend. I have a feeling that I'm going to have a lot of decisions to make this year, on a lot of levels. That is intimidating. I miss my LU friends. I especially miss Prayer 'n' Coffee with my dear Mullets. And Prayer and Praise on Sunday nights in Speer. My life completely changed while I was there-- those were the people that, in a real way, I "grew up" with. I'm thankful for family and long-time friends, who have truly grown up in the Lord along side of me, and are now seeking with me. They're the real thing, yo. I don't deserve them. Heck-- I don't deserve a lot of things. I'm so thankful that the Truth found me. I'm so thankful that my efforts in this life are no longer merely a string of futilities. I still want to go to seminary... someday. I want to really know and understand. I want to see God as He really is, without my silly unfinished self in the way. I'm thankful that I know that will happen... someday. Sometimes, I think I could write a book. Maybe I will... someday. : )

Good night!

Snowy Sunday

2007-01-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

Well folks, it's snowing... again. Out of control, I say! We're well on the way to beating the record set the winter of 83/84, when snow was on the ground 60-some-odd days straight. We're getting awfully close to 40 at the present.

Even though it's annoying (I need to go to the grocery store), it's very pretty.

Church was wonderful this morning. My pastor talked about the life of Barnabas and how he modelled for us what our community experience should be like in the body of Christ. Barnabas was the kind of guy who rejoiced in identifying and cultivating strengths in other people, empowering them to have a real impact on this world. And in doing so, he had a profound impact himself. I want to be that kind of person. I also sang this morning, and it was one of the most refreshing times of worship through music that I've experienced in a good long while. I could sing and play like that all day long and be a rather happy camper!

It is now time for some hot chocolate and systems homework. Weeeee.

Weekend

2007-01-15T18:56:00.000-07:00

It was a fun weekend. Look at all those goofy-footers! : ) Now, everyone is gone. And I must clean up the house before I plunge into another semester at school!

Live

2007-01-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

In the forward to Saint Athanasius' On the Incarnation, C.S. Lewis wrote this:

[Athanasius'] approach to Miracles is badly needed today, for it is the final answer to those who object to them as 'arbitrary and meaningless violations of the laws of Nature.' They are here shown to be rather the re-telling in capital letters of the same message which Nature writes in her crabbed cursive hand; the very operations one would expect of Him who was so full of life that when He wished to die He had to 'borrow death from others.'

When I read that, the last phrase practically jumped out of the page and smacked me across the forehead. That description of Christ has stuck with me as I continued reading Athanasius, and has carried over to how I ponder my day-to-day grind. That same, untarnishable Life that the Incarnate Christ carried is the life that has been granted to me. But I, for one, definitely don't feel that kind of Alive.

There have been times in my life when I actually felt like I knew the work that God was laying before me. And then, there have been a lot of times when I felt clueless. I'm in one of those clueless times right now-- if God wants me to simply hang out and be the best engineer and student that I can be, that's okay. But if there's more, I would really like to know it. And right now, I feel like there ought to be more, but I just can't see it.

I want to be God's hands and feet in this world. I want to interact with people in such a way that they can't help but see Jesus in me. I want my coworkers and classmates and neighbors to know that I really do care about them-- not just for what they can do, but for who they are. I want to make an eternal difference in a life. Or two. Or ten. Or hundreds. To say with a smile and a listening ear what ten-thousand sermons could not scream. I want to, by my presence, create a safe and peaceful space in which people can be themselves. I want to be a woman who faithfully applies discernment and speaks words full of honesty and truth. These are things that I so badly want to be. These are things that can only be part of me by God's grace and the working of His Spirit.

God, make me alive with the kind of life that deluges from Your Son. In my life, be a kind of antidote to the darkness that drags down this world. Be my refuge, Father, and as You work in me, build a refuge for others that they may know You in me. Help me choose to love, even when it's tough. I'm just a pot of clay. But I want to be used as a vessel of grace.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved-- and raised us up with Him and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 2:4-7).

The Word

2007-01-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

I think it's time I rediscover
All the ground that I have covered,
Like - seek ye first - what a verse.
We are pressed but not crushed,
Perplexed but don't despair,
We are persecuted but not abandoned.
We are no longer slaves,
We are daughters and sons,
And when we are weak we are very strong
And neither death nor life nor present nor future
Nor depth nor height can keep us from the love of Christ.
And the Word I need is the Word that was
Who put on flesh to dwell with us
In the beginning
-- Sara Groves

God, help me rediscover You.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right. Not Season's Greetings, Happy Holidays, or whatnot. Merry Christmas. Christ is God With Us! That's worth celebrating!

To think that God Himself, infinite in perfection and beauty, humbled Himself to plunge into my world blows my mind. There are no words that can describe the type of demotion that He took so that I might receive a promotion of the same magnitude. He invaded my darkness to make me light. He swallowed my shame that I might be free. I'm humbled.

How marvelous, how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
How marvelous, how wonderful,
Is my Savior's love for me!

Jesus, welcome to my world. Be enthroned in me.

Finally Home

2006-12-23T02:39:00.000-07:00

In the last 48 hours, I executed a not-always-so-masterful Great Escape from the airport, thanks to the assistance of my friends and family. It took forever, and I'm a significant chunk of change poorer, but I'm home for Christmas. Which is a wonderful thing.

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. I think my favorite quote from it all was from Spork-- "May the gods of the Customer Service Menu smile upon you." I hope I have their favor tomorrow when I ask for some serious refunds : ).

More on the adventure will come later... for now, it's time to sleep.

Closed

2006-12-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I have awakened this morning to find that everything is still closed down. 70EB and 25SB are closed all the way to Kansas/New Mexico respectively. This was no small storm, I tell ye. It's looking like my best bet is to try to get home today, sleep for a long time, and enjoy some down time. I'm royally bummed that my Christmas at home has now been truncated to 2 days. But oh well. Such is life.

I'm gonna go find some coffee somewhere.

Stranded

2006-12-20T22:09:00.000-07:00

So.. I'm stuck at the airport. Thoroughly. All the interstates are closed, 2 days worth of flights have been clean-up cancelled, and at this rate, Becky isn't going to make it home until late on Christmas Eve. I'm discouraged with it all enough to actually contemplate driving. Even through the snow.

Please pray that I can just get home. Tonight though, I'm sleeping at the airport.

: )'s All Around

2006-12-14T21:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I went to a grill with some coworkers after work. And we sat there for THREE hours! I can't remember the last time I had an evening where I didn't run all over the place. It was glorious. And now, I'm sitting at my kitchen table, absolutely refusing to mind the clutter that is all over the house, as I sip on lemon-ginger tea and write this post. And very soon, I will go to bed and get a good night's sleep. It has been a good evening indeed!

Thank you all so much for your prayers, emails, text messages, and voicemails over the last few days! They have meant the world to me. It's very easy to feel alone sometimes, when all I do is slave away at my work and studies, be it with coworkers or alone. I appreciate your faithful friendship more than I can say...

In my training class for work, I'm finally figuring out the theory behind the algorithms for simple math (square root, division, etc.) executed in hardware. It's fantastic. I'm also learning much about digital filters. Which is simply fascinating. Filters make complete sense to me in an analog world... getting them reduced to a discrete set of operations that only involve shifting and adding bits had always been a mystery to me. But it's becoming clearer now. So much clearer. Excitement! There are a lot of crazy smart people in this world. I only I could peek inside their minds!!

I have most of my Christmas shopping done... what I have left, I shall attempt to do tomorrow night. I should have done it tonight. But oh well. I had a great time.

Oh! One more thing before I go to bed. I have a Christmas letter written for this year. If you'd like a copy of it, you should send my your snail mail address if I don't have it... or request a PDF if you prefer. I'm going to try hard not to miss anyone on my list, but, since I really have no clue whatsoever as to who reads this blog on a regular basis, I figured I'd offer. The cost is only $5.95 plus $0.39 shipping... haha. Just kidding. : )

Happy Friday!

Game Over

2006-12-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

The little board had its debut by voicing the song "Shiver" by Coldplay. The teachers liked it. Hooray!

It is over. Now I can sleep.

10... 9... 8...

2006-12-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

With a trusty quad-shot eggnog latte and a pumpkin spice pancake in my stomach, I think I'm ready for tonight. Wee haw.

And...

2006-12-11T22:29:00.000-07:00

... it WORKS! Waa hoo! There's a bit more noise than we had hoped, but hey. It's not bad for a 2 layer board designed by people who... um... have never made a real PCB before. : )

Other than that, today was a ridiculously terrible day. But I won't go into that now. Suffice it to say, "hooray" that the Monday from Hades has blown over. And even in the midst of it, God gave the big blessing of having my gateware work on my hardware... the first try!

'Night.

Progress

2006-12-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

As of this weekend, my class partner and I have successfully loaded a basic program onto our Spartan 3 and executed it-- hoorah! On Saturday night, we determined that something was shorted on one of our ADCs. Sure enough, we yanked the chip, and there was a little tiny solder bridge underneath the surface mount chip's little body. Naughty, naughty solder bridge. *sigh* Our audio VHDL checks out per simulation, so hopefully we will be able to re-mount the ADC tomorrow night, load our software, and get audio to pass through the whole system! We're so close to done... yet so far away...

I also need to write an abstract on ASIC prototyping using FPGAs in the next 48 hours... at least it's a cool article that I have an excuse to read.

On top of all this, I get a privileged seat in a class from Wednesday through Saturday for work-- a class on implementing DSP algorithms in hardware. It should be super fun and informative, assuming that I have any brain power leftover! Is it winter break yet?

*crashes into bed*

T-Minus 7 Days

2006-12-05T23:43:00.000-07:00

C'mon finals: I want you over with already.

It's crunch time.

Lament

2006-12-03T00:28:00.000-07:00

Be merciful to me, my God,
For my life is not my own.
I look around and see endless work--
My time is utterly consumed,
But there is still much more to be done.
Rest is elusive to my soul--
I try to seek after it every single day,
But it's just another item on my to-do list.
Only You are God over my schedule,
I, obviously, am not.
Grant me strength to finish what I have begun,
And grant me wisdom to simplify in the future.
Throughout the frantic days,
My heart will still praise You--
For Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light.

Nugget

2006-11-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

"God will not let us remain blinded by our ideas of Him... who God is in our minds must always be shattered by who God is." -- Jill Carattini

Human reasoning is so limited when it comes to pursuing a real understanding of God. I think of times when truth has grasped my mind in a way that was completely clear and profound. Then, I think of how that truth, in the long term, has become a truncation of the real thing. When God reveals pieces of Himself to me, I quickly let those pieces grow hollow-- simplified, comfortable, and easy to store as a fact in my brain. The truth is that God is neither simple, nor comfortable, nor easy to grasp. Knowing Him requires a life lived constantly in His presence, and a life lived with an open mind and heart to see Him as He is. I'm tired of serving a hollow idol that only resembles my God in a finite number of ways. I want my perceptions to be blown wide open, to see God "unleashed" in my heart and mind.

Open my eyes, God, and shatter the truncated concepts of You that I have in my heart and mind. May I never settle for less than who You really are.

The Great Board Build Up: Day 2 Status

2006-11-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

It seems that, in the last post, I neglected to recap the function of this board that I have been working on. When all is said and done, it will be a basic XILINX Spartan 3 FPGA board that takes analog input from a guitar, conditions and digitizes that input, performs whatever signal processing the user feels like implementing for the XILINX, then converts the processed signal back to analog for output to standard speakers. It's a fun project.

So, here are some pictures from yesterday. I'm glad to say that we have built up and checked out everything that we can (we don't yet have access to the surface mount soldering station). And it only took us a day and a half! w00t!

Integrated: Analog circuitry, oscillator, and connectors.

The board in its natural habitat. :)

Happy Sunday, everyone!

The Great Board Build Up: Day 1 Status

2006-11-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

So... Many... Capacitors...

My solder-wick trick takes concentration, I say!

How 'come LEDs always seem to be backwards? It's always the easy stuff that takes the most time. Oh well.

Tomorrow, the agenda holds a bit of "real" work, then finishing up the soldering with the exception of our tiny surface mount components (the XILINX, SRAM, Flash PROM, and ADCs) Then, we'll test the analog circuitry to make sure that it's behaving like it did in good ol' PSpice. Hey, I can be optimistic!

Oh. And I need to finish my VHDL test bench. I'm finding that I need to practically implement the I2C slave interface in the test bench to do an effective job, so that is taking a bit of time. We'll get there though.

--To Be Continued--

The Build Up

2006-11-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, I shall embark on a task to solder nearly 300 parts onto my beautiful PCB. Weee! I like to solder. I suppose that's a good thing since I have so much of it to do!

Tonight, I am thankful for my DSL connection. I just downloaded a 130MB installer for a free version of ModelSim, which should help me tremendously in the process of VHDL validation/debugging.

And with this, I shall bring this short annotation on the life of Becky to a close.

Oh, and have no fear: pictures will come.

Granola!

2006-11-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I finally went to the grocery store and re-stocked my kitchen with food. This is a good thing, you see-- beckys need to eat real food once in a while. After an excellent dinner of Kung Pao Chicken and Jasmine Rice, I am now enjoying a cup of lemon ginger tea while my first attempt at home-made granola cools on my counter. Mmm. It's good granola too! And easy. I'm actually so happy that I'm going to write down what I did in this post. This is partially so that you, my fine readers, can take on the adventure of home-made granola should you feel so inspired. But my other secret motive is to write it down so that I can always find out what I did later when I get hungry for more granola and can't remember how I made it... *wink*

First, you mix 4 c. of oats, 2 c. of shredded coconut, 2 cups of almonds/other random nuts, and 1 Tbsp of orange zest in a large bowl. In a small bowl, beat 3/4 c. veggie oil and 1/2 c. honey with a fork until you force it to become a suspension. Then, dump it over the oats, etc. and mix it until they're evenly coated. Next, add 1 c. craisins, 1 c. white raisins, 1 c. dark raisins, and whatever random dried fruit you feel like throwing in there and stir it up. Spread this lovely conglomeration out on a few cookie sheets, and bake at 350F until it's just starting to turn golden brown. Stir the granola occasionally (every ~10 min.) while it's cooking.

So, there you have it. Adventures of a domestic Becky. The end.

Just Say No

2006-11-05T18:05:00.000-07:00

Oi. Why am I such a pushover for things that I care deeply about? Is my view of life really so self-centric that I figure that God won't accomplish His purposes without me? I certainly hope not. But I do seem to act like it sometimes. One of the most effective ways to twist my arm and convince me to smash something else into my schedule is to say "we/I need you," implying that, if I say the magic word "no," something that I have a passion for will fall flat on the floor and fail. Like mentoring new believers. Yup. Once a week. Dang.

So now, I go to a meeting, torn completely in two, knowing that a proposition for leadership will be made that is the sort of black-hole that specializes in consuming people named Becky. I have already said that I won't be making a commitment tonight. But I'm already feeling pressure.

God, You are Lord of this Universe. Smash my pride, open my eyes, and drive away this self-created pressure to perform. I'm powerless, God. You are all-powerful. Have Your way in me completely-- if I am to "do," then may I do so wholeheartedly. And if I am to abstain, help me do so shamelessly. I need Your help to do this.

Stuffs and more stuffs

2006-10-31T22:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I laughed so hard that tears streamed down my face. I miss college life-- reminiscing about the good days and hilarious stunts that we pulled is enough to make an evening! I'm thankful that I had a chance to live it, even if there were more dark days that fun ones.

Daylight savings time is a wonderful thing on the Sunday that the time changes. But I'm sad now, because it's always dark when I leave work. Awww.

Is it the weekend yet?

waiting for someday

Convicting

The Story

Explanations

Eye of the Beholder?

No Kidding

Refuge

On Iterative Matrix Inversion Approaches to the Derivation of a Family of Robust ICA Algorithms

$4.00/gal

randn

6 More Days...

Understanding

Blessings in Disguise

Boo!

Merry Christmas!

Whiteness

Four

Grace

Howdy

Freedom

Psalm 61

Brain Dead

Psalm 28:6-9

History

whew

Isaiah 26:11-13

Cliff

A Yummy Idea

Coming Home

Feels Like Home

:)

A Trek to be Remembered

Paint Picture, by Popular Demand

Weekend

The Ending

The Wonder of Fingernails

Home at Last

It's been quite a while...

Let it Go

Cell Phone Pictures

Praise

Sister

I Found It!

Seven Days...

In Three Days...

Treat

Decisions

Becky in Pictures

Depth

Comic

Theme

Ahhh... Spring

Sweet

Rise

#365

Quote

Hydrometeors

Taxes, Haircut, Flat Tire, IHOP

Another Week

I'm Excited!

The Most Amazing Sandwich Ever

Road Trip

Trust

*whimper*

Pulled

So very cute

Summer's Coming

Tyler

S.A.D. 2007

Something So Insightful...

2 Corinthians 5:14-15

Thought

Splurge

Conglomeration O' Lovely

Thanks, China

I thunk a thought or two...

That's Small

Mmmm

Night Shift

Snowy Sunday

whimper